School, Tantrums, and Sanctinotaparents

Preschool is now just a couple of weeks away, so I've been going more than a little crazy trying to find cute school outfits and get things ready.  I'm hoping it also means blog activity will pick up with her making improvements and becoming more independent.

In terms of improvements over the summer, Lyric will now count fairly well from 1 - 10 on her own, and 1 - 20 with help.  She (sort of) sings her ABCs, and can point out or find all the letters if you ask her to correctly.  She will impersonate a dog, cat, or a chicken on command (no idea on that one, but I say it counts!).  She can point out different animals, too.  She's also fairly adept at naming and pointing out colors when asked.  This is a far cry from the toddler that we had at the beginning of the summer.  We can still only understand about 50% of what she says, but everything she says is always with deliberation, so it is more a matter of teaching her pronunciation as opposed to language.  Potty training is still hit or miss.  Sometimes she will tell us she needs to potty after she's already gone potty, sometimes she tells us she needs to and then doesn't go, and sometimes she tells us she needs to and goes.  We have yet to have a #2 on the potty, and have basically given up trying on that one.   She is doing a small amount better at listening to us in public situations as well - which brings me to another topic to address.

It's something I'm fairly certain everyone has seen at least once.  A child having a meltdown or tantrum in a public place.  Whether it's a baby being fussy in a restaurant, or a toddler crying over having to ride in the cart in a store, tantrums happen.  It's a fact.  What is not a fact, however, is that it's an incident that resulted from bad parenting.  It's also not a free pass for people to judge a parent just because their child happens to be melting down.  In the case of Autistic children, and children like Lyric who have issues with sensory processing, anything can cause a meltdown.  It can be something seemingly as small as a wrinkle in a sock.  It can happen at any moment, anywhere.  There are people of the opinion that it's as simple as "controlling your kid" or just "being consistent" with teaching them how to handle themselves in public.  Some of these people have kids, but the majority don't - and those who do have kids tend to be more sympathetic, purely out of the "been there, done that" perspective.

That perspective gets a whole new meaning when you have a child with special needs.  They don't always have the mental and emotional capacity to figure out the difference between acceptable and not acceptable in the heat of the moment.  Just because you have told them 100 times to not do something in public, doesn't mean they will retain that information when an aspect of their lives that seems minor to an outsider has been changed.  And I can guarantee you that out of everyone in the room at the time the meltdown occurs, the one who feels it the most is the parent.  It's embarrassing.  You feel exposed.  There's no question that people are judging you.  They make it abundantly clear, though generally never to your face.  You know that some will walk out of that place and say "Well if that were MY child..." or "They shouldn't even be in a place like this with a baby!"  In the mothering world, if they are a parent, some refer to them as "Sanctimommies/sanctidaddies."  I tend to call the childless ones "Sanctinotamommies/sanctinotadaddies."  They're the ones who are awesome parents without actually having any kids.  You might know a few.  Maybe it makes me judgmental myself, but just because you have a lot of experience around kids in the "baby sitting but I go home to my own personal space and can shower by myself with no worries" capacity, doesn't mean you know a damn thing about parenting. 

It's not always a choice for a parent to bring their child along to functions, especially if the child is special needs.  Baby sitters are expensive.  Explaining the special care necessary is time consuming.  Finding the appropriate care giver to handle that special care - someone you can trust - can prove to be near impossible.  Some children don't tolerate change.  In our case, we only have one car, so every errand and trip needs to be coordinated.  The needs of a household don't stop - you need groceries, cleaning products, car maintenance, etc. whether your child agrees or not.   And some of those judging are correct - child does need to learn.  But how is the child supposed to build the capacity to handle or function in a situation if they are not presented with that situational experience?  Should the parents of children in these situations just stay home, never go out when the kids are awake, and cram everything they need to do into the evening hours (if that is even an option)?  I'm not saying that every place, everywhere needs to be kid tolerant.  There are definitely places where it's not appropriate to take a child of any age.  I'm also not saying that there aren't parents out there who don't pay any attention to their kids and just let them run wild in stores and other places.

I am, however, saying that next time you see a child having a meltdown of some kind in public and you're judging the parent for not handling it how YOU think it should be handled - stuff it.  Try sympathy instead of animosity or contempt.  You don't know if there is more to it than meets the eye, and the last thing a parent needs is one more judgmental stare to let them feel like a failure.

Kids These Days Have It So Easy

This only tangentially has to do with Lyric, because she is both suffering for it and will likely be dealing with it when she is older, so I feel comfortable including it in this blog.  This is going to be a long entry, so buckle in for a ride.

It's an all too common phrase that a lot of the older generation say - "Kids these days have it so easy."  Apparently because we didn't have to walk uphill both ways to a one room school house in a blizzard with no shoes, we're all just lazy.  Since we have laptops, cell phones, TV at home, internet, etc. but we rent, instead of own - we must just not know how to budget, or prioritize our finances.  If we say something about not being able to find a job after graduating, we get told to just go door to door with our resume.  If we complain about being a broke student, we get told "Well I worked a 9 - 5 in the summer, and that paid for my schooling!"  Maybe they think that kind of "tough love" is necessary, or even encouraging - I don't know.  Maybe their hearts are in the right place, and the statements are motivated by the right idea, but the words just come out wrong.  Whatever the reason, it’s pretty simple to say that – just like the older generation – kids these days don’t have it that easy.  We just have a completely different set of problems to deal with that are foreign to ye olde whipper snappers.  I’m going to use my own family as an example as I attempt to explain it in lay man’s terms.

It’s no secret that “kids these days” are going to college.  It also shouldn’t be a secret that the budget for a moderate college education hovers around $22,500 per year.  (When Lyric attends, that price tag will be around $59,600 per year – give or take a few thousand.)  Working a minimum wage job – full time – only earns about $15,080 per year before taxes.  This means AT MINIMUM (ie – if no taxes, insurances, etc are taken from the check) there is a $7,420 shortage between costs of college and earned wages if a person is working 40 hours a week.  Making up for this with loans means that the least amount of loans would be almost $30,000.  This, however, is just assuming averages.  

In our case, average didn’t happen.  I managed to get my first associates with no debt, thanks to a combination of scholarships, generous parents, and grants.  I chose to transfer to a 4 year institution and major in International Relations at a “prestigious” level.  I hated it.  A lot.  I never fit in because I was a transfer.  The way the courses were laid out was much different than what I was used to.  I realized it wasn’t what I wanted to do with my life.  So I changed majors, hoping that getting out of the “exclusive” school would make things better.  It didn’t.  Then the college decided to raise tuition to a point where it just wasn’t feasible to attend anymore.  Not to mention the fact that this particular school was NOT working student friendly.  Very few of the courses were available at hours that worked with a schedule that most jobs could offer.  There were also no courses available online.  I had to work to make ends meet.  So I left that school, and started working on another associates degree at the local community college.  It was a lot easier there to make the schedule work with MY needs, and the tuition was much cheaper, but I still needed loans to get by because the jobs my husband and I were working didn’t pay enough to make ends meet.  

One finished associates and a child later, I decided to do an additional year of courses at yet another university so that I could have that all important, much harped upon Bachelor’s Degree.  Partway through that year, I got laid off from the job I had at the time.  Bring on more loans, because unemployment wasn’t enough to pay the bills.  At this point, my husband was no longer working, because daycare for our child would cost more than any job he got could pay.  We had also sold our 2^nd car when we really needed extra money, and 2 employed people sharing a car just doesn’t really work in America.  I ended up not finishing that Bachelor’s Degree because after 7 years of school and loans, I got burned out.  I just could not balance classes, work, a child, and home life anymore.  Am I proud of it?  Nope.  But it happens, and I am a better person for realizing that I just could not deal with it anymore.  So I am left 2 classes short of a degree at one school, and 15 credits short of one at another, with 2 degrees completed, and some $95,000 in student loan debt just for me.  And I know that my story isn’t all that uncommon, either.

So what does this mean in terms of the “kids these days” for me?  Well it means that despite having 2 jobs that pay well, we barely clear expenses each month.  We’re actually still catching up from the time when we didn’t have this second income.  Some months we DON’T clear expenses, so we have to sell possessions (2^nd car, books, DVDs, baby items, etc).  The wardrobe I carefully built for Lyric over the years has been reduced to a few favorite items, because all of the other clothes became quick money makers when we needed groceries.  We’ve borrowed or asked for money more than once when we didn’t have anything that would sell quickly.  We’re familiar with all of the local store policies pertaining to used items.  When I browse the local thrift store on half off day for clothes for Lyric, who grows like a weed, I’m not just looking for things that are cute – I’m looking for things that I know will sell well later.  

Family vacations, or fun activities like soccer or dance aren’t something she will be able to do, because we can’t afford it.  If we run out of money before all the bills are paid, we have to decide what is more important – paying this credit card, or eating/paying the water/lights/gas bill.  My student loan payments – JUST mine – total around $500 a month.  This is after consolidating my federal loans, and attempting to consolidate private.  Hilariously, I couldn’t consolidate my private into a more manageable payment because my credit is a mess.  Wonder why that is?  I actually find myself hoping that she doesn’t improve too much in terms of speech or sensory issues, because if she does – she will no longer qualify for free preschool, and we can’t afford to pay for school for her.  Buying a house?  Forget it, not happening anytime soon.  Savings account?  What are those?  I’ve never had one.  The laptop I have is for school and work, as well as the internet.  Our cellphones are something we're blessed to not have to pay for at this point, but likely will have to in the near future, and they're our only phones.  We have no land line.  Unless we want to file for bankruptcy (which we don't have the $1500 to do anyway), there are no other bills that we can cut out or cut back on.

The fact is that when you’re one of the “kids these days” odds are high you’re working a job that barely pays the bills, if you can even FIND a job.  You’re likely working without health insurance, hoping that none of the horrible, infectious illnesses that people bring to work make their way into your lungs.  You’re likely constantly robbing one bill to pay another, so you can keep the heat on, or food (which is sometimes a luxury) in your stomach.  You are usually absolutely, unequivocally one accident away from being one of those horrible “moochers” that the older generation talks about – y’know, those lazy people who need food stamps or housing assistance to get by.  Because lord knows I always loved getting the side eye from people if I happened to not successfully hide the fact that at one point I was paying for my groceries with a Bridge Card.  

Are there lazy people out there who mooch off the system?  Sure there are.  There always will be.  But for every lazy schmuck, I guarantee there are at least 3 people who busted their asses to get where they are, and either fell on hard times, or were unable to claw their way from the bottom because they’re stuck working for minimum wage since every job in their field “requires experience.”  Never mind the fact that you need a job in the field to GET that experience.  The fact is that kids these days really DON’T have it easy.  That whole “buy a house and make a living” American dream really is just a dream for most of us.  A completely unattainable one.  I could continue to go on, and on, and on…but I’ve taken up enough of your time (if you’re even still reading) already.  The short summary of this is that kids these days really don’t want to hear about how they’re “kids these days.”  If you're not going to consider the fact that we struggle with just as much as you feel you did at our age, then shut up and stuff those opinions where the sun don't shine.

UPDATE TO ADD: There are some members of the older generation of which I speak that do understand how crappy it is to be in this situation.  The vast majority of them are people who were in my classes at school.  They had to do the loan dance, and go through all the motions of financial aid to take classes that were essentially useless for a piece of paper that likely got them about as far as everyone else.  Now they're also stuck making payments, or hardly clearing expenses, for a degree that opened a door about the size of the one on Barbie's Dream House.  They definitely feel our pain, and I neglected to remember that.