School, Tantrums, and Sanctinotaparents

Preschool is now just a couple of weeks away, so I've been going more than a little crazy trying to find cute school outfits and get things ready.  I'm hoping it also means blog activity will pick up with her making improvements and becoming more independent.

In terms of improvements over the summer, Lyric will now count fairly well from 1 - 10 on her own, and 1 - 20 with help.  She (sort of) sings her ABCs, and can point out or find all the letters if you ask her to correctly.  She will impersonate a dog, cat, or a chicken on command (no idea on that one, but I say it counts!).  She can point out different animals, too.  She's also fairly adept at naming and pointing out colors when asked.  This is a far cry from the toddler that we had at the beginning of the summer.  We can still only understand about 50% of what she says, but everything she says is always with deliberation, so it is more a matter of teaching her pronunciation as opposed to language.  Potty training is still hit or miss.  Sometimes she will tell us she needs to potty after she's already gone potty, sometimes she tells us she needs to and then doesn't go, and sometimes she tells us she needs to and goes.  We have yet to have a #2 on the potty, and have basically given up trying on that one.   She is doing a small amount better at listening to us in public situations as well - which brings me to another topic to address.

It's something I'm fairly certain everyone has seen at least once.  A child having a meltdown or tantrum in a public place.  Whether it's a baby being fussy in a restaurant, or a toddler crying over having to ride in the cart in a store, tantrums happen.  It's a fact.  What is not a fact, however, is that it's an incident that resulted from bad parenting.  It's also not a free pass for people to judge a parent just because their child happens to be melting down.  In the case of Autistic children, and children like Lyric who have issues with sensory processing, anything can cause a meltdown.  It can be something seemingly as small as a wrinkle in a sock.  It can happen at any moment, anywhere.  There are people of the opinion that it's as simple as "controlling your kid" or just "being consistent" with teaching them how to handle themselves in public.  Some of these people have kids, but the majority don't - and those who do have kids tend to be more sympathetic, purely out of the "been there, done that" perspective.

That perspective gets a whole new meaning when you have a child with special needs.  They don't always have the mental and emotional capacity to figure out the difference between acceptable and not acceptable in the heat of the moment.  Just because you have told them 100 times to not do something in public, doesn't mean they will retain that information when an aspect of their lives that seems minor to an outsider has been changed.  And I can guarantee you that out of everyone in the room at the time the meltdown occurs, the one who feels it the most is the parent.  It's embarrassing.  You feel exposed.  There's no question that people are judging you.  They make it abundantly clear, though generally never to your face.  You know that some will walk out of that place and say "Well if that were MY child..." or "They shouldn't even be in a place like this with a baby!"  In the mothering world, if they are a parent, some refer to them as "Sanctimommies/sanctidaddies."  I tend to call the childless ones "Sanctinotamommies/sanctinotadaddies."  They're the ones who are awesome parents without actually having any kids.  You might know a few.  Maybe it makes me judgmental myself, but just because you have a lot of experience around kids in the "baby sitting but I go home to my own personal space and can shower by myself with no worries" capacity, doesn't mean you know a damn thing about parenting. 

It's not always a choice for a parent to bring their child along to functions, especially if the child is special needs.  Baby sitters are expensive.  Explaining the special care necessary is time consuming.  Finding the appropriate care giver to handle that special care - someone you can trust - can prove to be near impossible.  Some children don't tolerate change.  In our case, we only have one car, so every errand and trip needs to be coordinated.  The needs of a household don't stop - you need groceries, cleaning products, car maintenance, etc. whether your child agrees or not.   And some of those judging are correct - child does need to learn.  But how is the child supposed to build the capacity to handle or function in a situation if they are not presented with that situational experience?  Should the parents of children in these situations just stay home, never go out when the kids are awake, and cram everything they need to do into the evening hours (if that is even an option)?  I'm not saying that every place, everywhere needs to be kid tolerant.  There are definitely places where it's not appropriate to take a child of any age.  I'm also not saying that there aren't parents out there who don't pay any attention to their kids and just let them run wild in stores and other places.

I am, however, saying that next time you see a child having a meltdown of some kind in public and you're judging the parent for not handling it how YOU think it should be handled - stuff it.  Try sympathy instead of animosity or contempt.  You don't know if there is more to it than meets the eye, and the last thing a parent needs is one more judgmental stare to let them feel like a failure.