Parent Fail

Disclaimer:  This entry is me venting.  I am not intentionally trying to call anyone out, or make anyone feel bad.  I am just expressing my general frustration.  Take it with a grain of salt.  I'm sharing this because I want people to understand that it's not all sunshine and roses - and if they feel that way too, they can know they're not alone.

I try to keep everything I write positive and hopeful because we have seen improvements, and she is learning new words and phrases fairly regularly.  But it doesn't stop negativity from creeping in.  You wonder what you could have done differently while you were pregnant.  What you could have changed when they were growing from newborn to infant to toddler hood.  What ifs play out in your brain, and you ask yourself - for the 100th time - if you are the reason your child is delayed.  For Travis, who has his own mental illness to consider, I know this particular question is a heavy weight.  It's one of many reasons we made the choice to do early intervention, in spite of people insisting that kids develop at different rates, and we shouldn't worry as much until she is 3.

It doesn't take much to get the gears spinning, or for the anxiety to set in.  It could be something as simple as reading someone's Facebook status update, or having a conversation with a friend or a coworker.  So and so posts a conversation that they have with their child - who is Lyric's age - and it can be like a punch in the gut.  Why can't my kid do that?  Oh, that kid loves his/her siblings and says it?  Lovely - my kid doesn't even say she loves US.  All the kids that were in the "mommy group" of similar birth dates are potty trained?  You hoped she would be potty training at Christmas?  Well shucks, so did we.  But she can't even say the word "yes," doesn't respond to direction, and while she does give us hope that she gets the concept - I don't foresee it being something that will be in our future anytime soon.

This kid understands the concept of choices.  That kid knows their ABCs.  This kid can follow basic directions.  That kid can actually express when they're in pain.  This kid eats a variety of foods, and enjoys dinner with their family each night.  That kid doesn't stick everything in their mouth - still.

You start to wonder if she is ever going to talk and pronounce things right.  Water is "ahtoe," balloon is "ohwoon," pancake is "gangay."  Will we ever hold a conversation?  Parents of "normal" kids have it easy when thinking about their child in school.  I think of pre-school and get feelings of dread.  She's not potty trained, which most require.  She can barely speak.  She won't sit still to do anything for more than 5 minutes unless you hand her food - and even then, it's up for debate.  And if she doesn't get her way, the meltdowns are epic.  Drawn out screaming and protesting.  We can't take her in a Target anymore because she throws a shit fit.  You wonder if it is because she is 2 or because of the sensory problems or some other underlying thing.  How would she even be able to handle pre-school?  Other activities that she has been in were quickly dropped out of, because we didn't want to be "those" parents whose kid disrupted the whole class.   I could go on, and on, and on.

And then I feel like SHIT for thinking all of this - for being frustrated, for being able to list so many issues - because she's my baby.  And I love her.  And I wonder what would happen if she is googling herself someday and finds this blog, sees what I have to say.  Will she hate me?  Or will she understand how utterly frustrated and powerless I felt against everything going on?  I am a crappy person for being frustrated with not having a "normal" kid.  At the end of the day I always wonder if we've done enough that day to help her catch up.  At the end of the day, both of us are so exhausted from dealing with her, and everything else going on that we just sit at our computers and stare into the middle distance.  Forget cleaning - the house is always a mess.  Forget working out or trying to lose weight - I'd rather have a bamboo manicure.  We always wanted to have more than one child, but she has us rethinking that on a fairly regular basis.

Then you have to go to bed, and wake up to lather, rinse, and repeat.  "You're doing so great!" people say all the time - if we're doing so great, why are we still dealing with Early Intervention?  If everything is so fine, why is discipline a foreign language because she responds to pretty much nothing?  Why isn't she caught up if we're such wonderful parents?  And then there are the people who say "Maybe if you paid attention to her and talked to her more, she wouldn't be this way."  or the ever optimistic, but insensitive "Before you know it, you'll be wishing she'd STOP talking!"  You try not to let it get to you, but it does.

It makes the last 3 years seem like one giant ass parenting fail.  And all it takes is reading someone post a cute little conversation.  Pathetic, right?

We had to cancel Tiffany on Friday because of vomit.  Melissa is coming over tomorrow.  Until then, I will be stuffing my face with cheesecake and silently attending my Pity Party of 1.