On At Home Parents and Mental Illness: A Blog Tale

This topic has come to the forefront for us quite a few times in the past few weeks.  Strangers, family, and friends have made it so that I finally want to say something about it in a wider forum.  It only tangentially involves Lyric, her speech delay, and her sensory processing issues - so if you're here for that, you may want to click away.  I encourage you not to, however, because this is a topic that needs addressing on some level, because of the stigma attached.  Perhaps something I say can help someone see things in a light that they may not have before.  This is going to be a long entry, so I would grab a snack if you plan to tuck in for the ride.

First, I am going to address the "issue" with Travis being an at home parent, when we struggle financially.  On more than one occasion (by multiple people, so don't think I am trying to single someone out), it has been brought to our attention that things might be easier if Travis took some kind of job to help "provide" for the family - because apparently raising our daughter single-handedly during the day does not equate to providing.  Travis finding work outside the home is not as simple as some people have made it in their minds.

For starters, day care in this area for a toddler runs about $800+ a month.  We only have one vehicle.  In order for a job to really work out, we would have to purchase a second one.  If the payment on the second one was around the same as the payment we have now, including insurance we would be shelling out about $382 a month for said vehicle.  Factor in gas (let’s say $40 a fill up, 3 times a month) - $120.  Then there’s the incidentals needed for employment – shoes, clothes, food, maintenance on a second car, etc.  Let’s say that averages about $100 a month.  Total those numbers up and you get roughly $1402 a month, give or take $50 for unexpected expenses like copays for illness and the like.  In order for us to “profit” from him taking on some kind of full time work out of the house, he would have to find a job that paid at least $10.25 an hour.  By profit, I mean that we would come out ahead by about $500 a year.  Anything below that wage rate, and we would be losing money. 

$10.25 an hour is an unattainable rate in this area for someone without a complete college degree, and without specialized experience in an area like computers, or electrical wiring.  Minimum wage or slightly above is all that we would be able to find.  How do I know this?  Because I search job pages on a very frequent basis to get an idea of what is out there – to see if maybe today is the day it might be beneficial for him to apply. 

You might ask – “What about the evenings or the weekends?  Can’t he work then?”  The answer to that one is also complicated.  For one, Lyric can be a really difficult child to handle during the week, which means that cleaning the house falls by the way side.  By the time she’s in bed for the night, we’re both so bushed that all we want to do is stare at a wall, maybe have some adult conversation, and generally just relax.  Even when it’s not been a hard day with Lyric, following her around and taking care of her is exhausting work.  He does all the laundry on the weekends.  We run errands.  We work on major projects, like getting Lyric’s big girl room done, or reorganizing the toy room.  The down time is necessary for other reasons as well, which I will get into in the other half of this entry.  The long-short of it is that working in the evenings and on weekends just isn’t something that will work for us at this point in time.  It would be the equivalent of working two jobs, on top of the fact he goes to school.  It’s just not something everyone can handle, and he is one of the people that can’t handle that much of a load.  It’s not a weakness of his character, it’s just a plain fact.  I personally wouldn’t be able to handle it either, so I don’t see how it’s fair to ask him to, but apparently this is a difficult concept for some people to understand. 

The final factor in the complexity of Travis “working” is that there is a very narrow niche of jobs that would work out well for him.  I suppose this technically equates to the “other half” of the equation.  I have mentioned it before, but Travis is mentally ill.  It’s not something that gets talked about often, because there is a huge stigma attached to it.  I won’t go into the specifics of his diagnosis, because it’s not important on the grand scheme of things, and because it’s not my place to spill all the personal details of his health in a public way.   

I am not mentally ill, so I can’t speak from experience but I imagine that his daily battle with it is a two-fold.  Half of it is like trying to perform job tasks wearing weighted clothing (or possibly even underwater).  It’s a constant battle to find the energy to get up to move, let alone be productive.  I imagine that the other half is like having a crowd of miniature people following you all day, shouting things, poking you, degrading you, and making you feel like your presence on this planet is a burden, rather than an asset.  And each day he has to go to bed, sleep, and wake up knowing that today is either going to be the same battle – or possibly an even worse battle.  Every single day of his life is this way.  It’s like the punishments that Greek Gods used to hand down to people – chaining them to a mountain and letting a bird eat their liver each day, pushing a rock uphill for eternity – that's what I think of it to be.  Somehow, he finds it in him to get up each day and function.  I don’t know that I could.  I don’t think I would have the strength. 

He takes several medications, and sees several doctors to help manage his condition.  We are lucky in that it is fairly controlled with medications, and that we have health insurance that enables us to have access to those medications and doctors that he needs.  Despite this good fortune, there are still jobs that just aren’t on the table when it comes to outside work.  Fast food, retail, customer service – anything that involves dealing with public that can get rude and combative is off the table – which means the “work in the evening or on weekends” is basically ruled out.  The same goes for office jobs that would involve a lot of working with the public, or that might be confrontational even if the public isn’t involved.  Anything that involves higher level math is out, because he has a form of dyscalcula that would make this impossible.  So if you can think of a job that pays well, doesn’t require a degree, doesn’t involve math or working with the public (or confrontational people), doesn’t involve selling things, has openings in the Lansing area, etc – then pass that word on, because we have yet to find one.

Does this mean that he "gets out of everything" (which I apparently allow) because he struggles? No.  But imagine existing each day being a tremendous battle.  And then imagine that because it is a battle, things that people consider to be normal adult functions being near impossible.  What would that do for your self-esteem?  Couple having illnesses that cut you down at every pass, with people not comprehending – or even being downright cruel – about the fact that things are more difficult for you.  Add to it the weight of the fact that there is always the possibility that any children you have could be doomed to the same fate.  I know that for a fact that people have looked down on it.  I know for a fact that people have questioned the fact that he cares for our child even though he has these illnesses.  I know for a fact that people have judged us as selfish and irresponsible for even having a child, with his conditions the way they are.  People have given him a hard time  because his life “isn’t that bad” so what could he POSSIBLY have to be unhappy about?  Just imagine having to deal with such a lack of education on a daily basis.  It gets to a point where HE starts saying that he’s not capable, and he’s a terrible person, or a waste of space – for something that he has no choice in.  It’s like telling someone who has diabetes or cancer that they’re a bad person because they chose to have a child, or they need to just suck it up and deal with life when they're too weak to move – yet for some reason the general public doesn’t seem to want to look at it that way.  It’s acceptable to people to judge the mentally ill - and it shouldn't be.

Does it make things a lot more stressful than they would be if he was the textbook definition of “normal”?  Sure it does.  But everyone has their own special brand of problems that make them NOT normal, no matter how small.  We have a dynamic that works for us, we know what to do, and we have a good support system in place for when we just need a break from all of it.  Some people say that they couldn’t be as strong as me in this situation, or they say that I’m such a great person for “dealing with it”.  No, I’m not.  First of all, there are some days where I can be just as bad as the terrible people I’m talking about that tear him down.  If it’s a particularly frustrating day for me, I can be really mean.  Generally something will happen that will snap me out of it, and change my focus – but I’m definitely not “Miss So Understanding” all of the time.  Second of all, though some of it has been unexpected, for the most part the life that I live is my choice.  It’s what I make of it, not what others tell me or expect of it.  This is just simply part of the choice I made.  I have the choice to be positive and to make the most of things.  He doesn’t always have that choice, and why should I begrudge him for it by making him “something I deal with” instead of someone I love and want to see do well?  It's not a character flaw, it's a chemical imbalance.  If he had the power to change it, believe me - he would change it.  I don't know anyone who would choose to live each day the way that he's forced to.

No, it’s not easy.  But things in life that are worth having never are.  It’s really been grating on me lately that people seem to think it’s acceptable to judge us, or suggest things because they think they know better about what will work for our family dynamic than we do.  And I know that I should make like a duck, and just let it roll off my back – but when you hear it over, and over, and over again in any span of time it gets to a point where you HAVE to say something, because internalizing the feelings that come with it is a bad thing to do.  Someday, if you’re talking to someone who has a family where one parent stays home, and they seem to struggle with finances, consider the fact that there may be underlying factors that make it impossible for both parents to work.  It’s not always a choice for someone to stay home (and the judgment is much worse when it’s a man).  If next time you’re talking to a friend, they happen to share that they struggle with mental illness – be honored that they have chosen to share such a personal thing with you.  Think before you speak and judge.  It really makes a difference.